Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(207): View more from Maine

She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance

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(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

They left me at home... I'm a liability

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