Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Life is so much better after having sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
