I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is wine microwaveable?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
