i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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