you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
