how can u be prego again
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
