see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
