I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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