Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
