This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
