So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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