Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
