Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
