I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
