Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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