at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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