I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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