xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
