I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
