Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
this just has baby written all over it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
