We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
