It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
