Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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