You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
