i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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