A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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