i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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