that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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