Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
