Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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