im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
