Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize