I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
