Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
