i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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