Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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