I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i've created a new STD.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
