you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
