Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
