i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
