this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
