My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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