before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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