I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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