He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
