First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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