does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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