This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
