Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
