3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize