Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
