If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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