I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
