I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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